*Disclaimer* Trigger Warning: For those of you who have been victims of sexual assault this post contains scenes of traumatic experiences that may trigger flashbacks or create very upset feelings. If you cannot read through the whole post, please watch the video about EMPowerplus at the end.
PS: This post is pretty looong.
This is hard. Life is hard. I know I need to share this story, not for pity or understanding on my part, but for the one person who's been looking for hope. The one person who this may apply to in some way, that they won't feel so alone. The one person whose life may be saved the same way mine is being saved right now.
Moving on is a process that 'easier said than done' doesn't even begin to grasp. When you break your leg, you get a cast, pain meds, rest, it heals. When your brain is chemically mixed up or a trauma is introduced to your cognitive processes, there is no band-aid. No turning off your brain, no medication that is truly safe and rarely does it leave you feeling the same. This is just the iceberg of my journey through mental disorder and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and I pray and beg that it will find the person it needs to find. If you know anyone struggling in these ways, please pass this along, it could potentially save a life.
While experiencing severe depression and anxiety on my LDS mission I decided to do something I had never even considered, I started taking anti-depressants. They had first put me on Celexa, but it made me too tired, so they switched me to Zoloft. I wasn't sleeping at night. I was tired and upset all day. I started hearing things at night, my dad crying in our apartment, or a woman screaming. My mission president and I determined that the best option would be sending me home until I could get the meds worked out. While I was home we found out pretty quick that I would not be able to get into any doctors for 3, even 6 months. Trying to stay hopeful and keep myself relaxed I went to my second home in Washington State, to see my sister and her three girls. What no one had been able to realize yet was that I was really struggling with Bipolar Disorder, and on top of that the Zoloft was feeding the mania created by bipolar more and more, as I sunk deeper into a pit of cognitive suicide. My head was slowly turning into something that wasn't me. And I was standing on the edge, one shove away from falling into a pit of a manic episode no one had ever suspected.
I decided to go on a date with some '20-something' I had just met who said he went to the college I used to attend before my mission,(typical risky behavior of bipolar heading into mania). Although I had told him I wanted to go somewhere public, he ended up taking me to an abandoned hospital in the woods on the pretense that we were hiking to a place where a lot of college kids go to hang out. He had a backpack of supplies, telling me it was picnic supplies and other stuff he just carries around, but when I realized we were completely alone he pulled out a tarp, and as he did I saw a flash of rope and other things...that's when the fear and shock really kicked in. He sat me down and started kissing me, trying to be 'sweet', but as I resisted him trying to take it further he began to be more rough. I was terrified, all I could do was laugh and say no, scared of what he would do if I was more vehement. He forced himself on to me and as I was in shock and medicated, I was unable to do anything but keep saying 'no' as he told me 'It's okay', 'I know you want to', and 'I'll be gentle, I'll help you.' He took my pants off, laughed at my garments (a spiritual and symbolic under-garment that LDS wear once they have been through the Temple) and took them off as well. He sexually assaulted me, making me do things to him, saying horribly offensive and degrading things. No, this wasn't the rape. In finding my voice I was able to tell him that my brother-in-law is a cop and if I don't get the car back soon he will come looking for me. This wasn't true, but I know someone from Heaven had put the thought into my head, and it worked, he did not rape me and in fear began to gather up his 'supplies'. He made me hold his hand the whole hike back. This situation stacked on top of an already unstable mind is what 'proffesionals' call a catapult into bipolar mania. This was the shove that put me over the edge, into a pit of what I would later find out is called a Manic Episode.
I thought it was my fault. I called my sister crying on the drive home, telling her what had happened, but in my mind, it was all my fault. The more she spoke with me the quicker she realized what had really happened, and when I got to their house she had Nick sit down and talk with me, helping me realize that what had happened to me was assault and lovingly told me my options. I decided right then to not press charges, I was already so unstable I could feel I would not be able to handle it. I blamed myself still, and no longer felt myself worth anything, not worthy to wear my garments, as well as scared to put them back on. After this event my mind did not feel like my own, which is shown in my actions over the course of the next month.
About a week after the assault I went to my favorite town in Washington to see some friends of mine. After I left their house I went to my favorite spot on a dock. That's where my rapist found me. He told me he was in his late 20's, I later found out he was in his late 30's, and knew what he was doing. He sat next to me, I was crying, he comforted me, and talked to me about anxiety, saying he understood how I felt. He's a Ukrainian man, and called me his Risalka, or mermaid, because he found me on the dock. He talked with me for hours, sinking in the hook. By the time I was done talking he said it was too late to drive home, that I could stay at his apartment and he would go stay at a friends. Judge me all you will whoever chooses too, until you have a manic episode you will never understand the misjudgment that goes on. I followed him to his home, I had no idea had already hooked me, that he was teasing me, reeling me in, and it was there that he made me his 'catch'. There that I yelled "NO!". There that he wrapped his hands around my neck, that he yelled at me, that he made me do things that traumatized my mind to the point of searing it into my instincts. Whenever I became scared, he would be there, whether in voice or hallucination. Whenever I drove past an Olive Garden, which he so 'dotingly' took me to afterwards, anxiety attacks would rack my body. I would wake up from a nightmare in the night only to still be in it, punching the bastard trying to grab me, only to realize I'm punching my amazing, wonderful boyfriend at the time trying to comfort me. When Fall came again, my favorite time of year, I was caught in a crisp breeze that took me back to that dock which spun my mind into flashbacks and hallucinations of him sitting in the car with me, and all I could do was sit in the dark by myself and scream. It was in that room one year ago that PTSD was slammed into my already mentally unstable mind to create a chaos of confusion that I still, TO THIS DAY, struggle with. Which has almost cost my life on two occasions.
I understand. To whoever is reading this in need of help, in need of hope and understanding, I KNOW. I know what it feels like to cut your wrists whether in the hopes it'll be the last pain you ever feel, or to just feel at all. I KNOW what it feels like to go to doctor after doctor screaming for help because you are DYING. If mental disorders can be compared to physical ailments, then one can also be in Mental agony, dying a mental death. I KNOW what it feels like to see your closest friends and family look at you different, with pity, or fear, like your a time bomb just waiting to go off, and WE ARE. In the beginning we never know when those flashbacks are gonna hit, when we're suddenly in another place, with another person. Or when the mania mixes with trauma and we see hallucinations or hear voices right next to us with no one around. I KNOW what it feels like to use substances such as Alcohol or weed to curb the appetite of the monsters in your head. I KNOW THE PAIN OF FEELING THERE IS NOTHING LEFT TO LIVE FOR. I've been there. I've tried.
So this is my journey, to Health, Help, and Forgiveness. I'm officially off of my medication of Lithium, done with Psychiatrists, getting the help I need, and moving towards forgiving myself for everything that has happened. And forgiving yourself is the hardest part. This blog is to help me in that process, but mostly to help YOU, and I hope as I continue to share my story that it will reach the people it needs to. But I would not be here to do this if not for the truly wonderful and amazing people in my life who have kept me alive, whether I wanted to be or not. And I am especially grateful to Q Sciences and EMPowerplus, a dietary supplement that changes lives, for getting me to this point of Health that I am able to face these monsters without the trials of medication.
I sit here, typing out this story, crying all the way, not for myself, but for ANYONE who has felt that alone. For anyone who is seeking a voice to speak the pain that is in their heart. Here I am, telling you humbly that I have made a lot of mistakes. I'm in the process of making more and will continue to do so the rest of my life. But I am here to bring you along, that maybe you won't have to make those mistakes, or at least have someone who understands why they were made. Whether you are dealing with rape, mental illness or many many other trials, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT, you did not choose for them to happen. What you can choose is how to react. How to deal with and handle them. Our CHOICES are all we can control. WE decide to get help, to strive for happiness, to reach out of the hole that has swallowed our lives and pick ourselves up again, and sometimes it takes a while to get there. I'm still in the hole. I'm not out. But I see a light, and there is hope. And that hope is in a BIG part to EMPowerplus. A supplement that is saving lives, including my own. And I want to pass the hope along.
Here's my website to learn more about it: http://anniew.myqsciences.com/
Here's Tony Stephen from Q Sciences telling the story of EMPowerplus:
Tony Stephen
Here's to links to some hard hitting poetry that pack a punch and have been a big help in motivating me to get my story out for all to hear:
The Gutting
This one has a lot of language...just sayin':
I will not be cut into pieces ANYMORE
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